We Probably Shouldn’t Freak Out If the Eagles Start 0-2
The month of August is a lot like running suicides in the gym for whatever sport you played in high school. It’s hot as the 7th layer of hell and it seems like the finish line is never close. Then once it’s finally over, you catch a breath of fresh air while the dementors stop sucking your soul and happiness returns to your body. That’s what reaching September (the finish line) feels like with Eagles football back baby.
Let me preface this by saying I am not a typical negative Philly sports fan. That guy who calls into the radio shows and says to fire the coach because he tied his shoes wrong on the first day on the job. As far as Philly fans go, I am probably in the 99th percentile in the positivity department. But I’m also a realist.
Last year, with a new quarterback, a new coach, and Nolan Caroll as our best cornerback option, I think we all saw a 7-9 season careening towards like an Amtrak train who’s conductor is doing 115mph in a 50mph zone. But this year, I’m all in with this team and with Carson taking that next step. Come the second weekend of January, we are going back to Wild Card Weekend and Riley Cooper can’t screw it up for us this time:
How did he drop that…? Anyways, back to reality and the start of a new season. There’s a bonafide stud developing at quarterback who has new weapons to play with, an improved secondary, and a gluttony of other reasons to believe this team is flipping from 7-9 to 9-7 AT LEAST. Unfortunately, I think the first two L’s of the season, we are taking on the damn chin right off the bat. Here’s why:
Some of the biggest mysteries in the history of Earth are: 1) The lost city of Atlantis 2) Area 51 3) The Redskins absolutely dominating the Eagles
I truly cannot comprehend how that team has beaten us five straight times. We make Kirk Cousins look like Peyton Manning in his prime. In reality, Kirk Cousins looks like he should be your local State Farm Insurance Agent not an NFL quarterback. I hope and prey to whatever football Gods are up there blessing the Patriots that they help us beat this God awful, racist franchise in their shitty stadium. But, as much as I hope it happens, I need to see it to believe it and I have seen five straight agonizing defeats.
Let’s move on to our next opponent; the Kansas City Chiefs and our old friend Andy. Before we get into some predictions let’s take a moment to appreciate this as the funniest version of this meme to date:
https://twitter.com/xmasape/status/905095416861032449
Some things never change. Now back to reality (look it’s B Rabbit, You signed me up to battle? I’m a grown man) again. You know what a bad break looks like on an NFL schedule? Opening the season in New England the night they receive their Super Bowl rings. The crowd will be ferociously energized by booing Roger Goodell as well as waving Dave Portnoy issued clown towels and the Chiefs are inevitably going to get smoked.
You know what else is a bad break on an NFL schedule? Playing in Arrowhead against Kansas City the week after they are the sacrificial lamb in New England. Kansas City can’t fall to 0-2 at home. That’s how people lose their jobs. That’s how the calls for Patrick Mahomes come to replace Alex Smith like how he was replaced by Colin Kaepernick before Kaepernick was a civil rights martyr and a failed Jason Whitlock joke:
https://twitter.com/WhitlockJason/status/905233739264868354
Whitlock is not too far off from Stephen, the house slave in Django Unchained. Back to reality once and for all, and this is our reality: we are starting this upcoming season 0-2. When it happens, we can’t freak out and call into Mike Missanelli on Monday, September 18th and demand we get Jon Gruden out of retirement. Give it some time because this team has some talent. I fully expect, count on, and hope that we will hit our stride as we steamroll into the playoffs. Should I say ‘trust the process’ or is that too mainstream now? I’m so damn excited Eagles football is back.