I Can’t Die Before a Carson Return
Well, we aren’t even a week into the new year and the 45th President of the United States has already coming out cyber swinging like never before. Many of you have already seen his recent 280 character masterpiece, but here it is for those of you who’s resolution it was to use social media less and are already close to giving in:
Classic, “mine is bigger than yours” situation we got going on here and you know what? I don’t hate it. Sometimes you gotta put on the table, let em see it. What does grind my gears though, is how these two ego maniacs could torpedo my goals for 2018.
In 2017, I spent a lot of time, too much time, trying to figure out what country colluded with other countries, which politicians are screwing over poor people for what reason and who was touching who inappropriately. It was exhausting. For 2018, I’m refocusing myself and centralizing my efforts on 3 main goals:
1) Talking myself into a deep Nick Foles playoff run.
2) Pulling for Markelle Fultz to stop shooting like the unathletic fat kid they pull out of the stands at a college basketball game to do the halftime contest that wins everyone two free Qdoba tacos.
3) Believing that Carson Wentz will have the greatest comeback story since Christ’s resurrection.
It goes without saying that #3 is the most important goal on this list. But, if we never make it to Carson’s glorious return because Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump are having a dick swinging contest that gets us all killed, I’ll be pissed. First it was Ronde Barber’s pick 6, now it could be the world’s most extreme game of chicken featuring nuclear weapons that keeps us from our first Super Bowl.
To be honest with you, I’ve kind of already planned out my death. When dogs are old and know they are dying, they wander off because they are too embarrassed to die in front of their owners. When the Eagles win a Super Bowl and the parade is winding down, don’t try to come find me. I’m wandering off to leave this Earth peacefully. It would be pretty rude of the President to rob me of the privilege of going out that way.
Since Carson Wentz got hurt, I have been dead inside. It would suck to also be just flat out dead. So, let’s cool it with the nuke button talk.
Eagles 27 Saints 23