Some Things I’ve Learned With Carson Breaking His Back


In this day and age, it feels like light-years since the news broke that Carson Wentz has a fractured vertebrae. About 600 Kanye tweets ago, the rumor mill was churning in regards to Carson’s back soreness turned fracture. Here are some things I’ve learned since the news broke.

1) Effective Forms of Medieval Torture

When I heard the rumor that Carson Wentz has had a back fracture for some time, and was not disclosed that information, my mind went where any sane, level-headed fans mind would go: torture: Yup, I read “The 27 Most Gruesome Torture Techniques in the History of Mankind”. You know, just in case Carson says “I don’t trust this medical staff. I don’t want to play here. I want out.” Then, I will be fully prepared to seek vengeance against this inept medical team. The most disgusting one was called The Tub. They lock you in a barrel, with only your head exposed. They feed you, so basically you sit in your own feces with no escape. Eventually, maggots and worms start eating you. To top it off, they cover your face in honey, so flies eat you too. Wild stuff. Better hope Carson is fine.

2) If You Thought This Eagles Medical Staff Was Bad, You’ll Never Guess Where They Got Them

After the Wentz news broke, Eagles beat reporter Jeff McLane recirculated a story he wrote a few weeks ago. It essentially put the medical staff under the microscope for being suspect, after Darren Sproles re-injured his hamstring. It pointed out, among other things, an absurd amount of soft tissue injuries for the team, the disappearance of guys like Mack Hollins and Chris Maragos, and Jordan Mathews admitting the staff misdiagnosed two of his injuries in his first stint in Philadelphia. But, the most fascinating excerpt from the article was this:

In August, the Eagles announced the hiring of Stephen Stache as head physician and the promotion of Christopher Dodson as head orthopedic surgeon…Dodson had previously been the Eagles’ assistant team physician. He is also the head physician for the 76ers. Stache is on the Philles’ medical staff and is also a consultant for the 76ers.

The 76ers?! Are you kidding me?! No wonder things are so screwed up. They let the medical staff of a team who’s first round pick is injured for the umpteenth time, this time because of a damn peanut allergy, in the NovaCare Complex. Look, I give people the benefit of the doubt to a fault. I always give my money to homeless people believing they will definitely buy food and not heroin. But, how many times should I give the benefit of the doubt to the circus that is now the Sixers AND Eagles medical staff? They continue to mistreat and misdiagnose, but now we’ve reached the point of no return.

3) Markelle Fultz Definitely Has Nerve Damage 

If I’ve learned anything for sure today, it’s this one. Markelle Fultz does have nerve damage. Because for him to actually have that issue, it would mean the Sixers medical staff missed it or were completely wrong with their diagnosis. These days, that seems like a safe bet.

By Aidan Powers | December 14, 2018