Jordan Matthews Did A lot of Sex in Buffalo Because There Was Nothing Else to Do


You come to the Eagles locker room looking for an update on Darren Sproles’ hamstring. You leave the Eagles locker room learning about the birds and the bees.

Seeing as Matthews and Carson Wentz spent their offseason building houses and shit in Haiti, this is not the quote I expected on the first day they are reunited together.

This quote from J Matt explains so much about Bills Mafia though. Those guys are smashing through tables at tailgates because they have a lot of sexual tension built up. Everyone in their town is having a whole bunch of sex and they aren’t. Sometimes you have to jump on a foldable table and compound fracture your leg in order to release some sexual frustration. That’s a release porn just can’t give you.

I think the real winner here is Jordan Matthews son. When you have sex, that can lead to pregnancy, people forget that. And that’s exactly what happened here. But now, Matthews son will be the coolest kid in preschool. His dad is an NFL player, he has this great sound byte attached to his name, and his nickname is now “Buffalo Baby”. I think the only kid who can top this is Adonis Brussaux. That’s right, Drake’s son. His dad is well, Drake. His debut to this world was a song about him and he was about to have his own Adidas line before he could even walk. No one has gotten that much money from Adidas without being able to use their legs since Derrick Rose.

Fletcher Cox got sued for his sex and let’s remember that Carson also did sex on his homeymoon this year.  Those guys down at The Linc have been blowing teams out and backs out. Big congrats to them. 

By Aidan Powers | September 19, 2018